Awkward

Y’all. To know me is to know: I’m awkward as anything. Dude no words can describe the awkwardness.

For example? almost every single time I have gone to a movie theater? When any movie attendant told me “enjoy your movie” I would always respond with “thanks! You too!”

Every.

Single.

Time.

Every time.

Once I tried to fix it and I stutter through my sentence: “I mean….uh….not that you were….ya know?”

Y’all I can’t with me. When I was younger I was constantly told how weird and different I was. I was pushed away. I was bullied my entire life to the point I honestly didn’t know the ins and outs of a healthy relationship.

At. All.

Even my relationship with God. I didn’t know how to do that. I didn’t know how to be…around God. I just didn’t.

I thought you had to act a certain way. With everyone. Including God. I never knew that it was okay to be different. I didn’t know. I just didn’t.

I legit thought I would be able to be fake my whole life. I tried so hard my friends to make people like me. So hard. It never worked.

Never.

I even got married like that. Y’all I don’t know how this man stayed married to me – I’m seriously grateful to the Lord for this man.

Then as I started to reach out to God? I slowly started to see – He loves me for me.

My imperfect self? God loves me. I used to think that every time I sinned? I was condemned to hell. I spent most of my relationship with God being scared of hell.

My friend – that is not what God wants for us! If you have admitted your sins and accepted Him in your heart? Thats it. You are His and he is not gonna let you go. There is nothing you can do to make him let go of you. Nothing.

Well, except say there’s blaspheming against the Holy Spirit….

³¹ “Therefore I say to you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven men.

Matthew 12:31

So here I am in my awkwardness…..in my weirdness….seeking God in the only way I know how.

By being me.