I can run faster than you

I love my mother to pieces and I am so grateful God for putt her in my life – or should I say I’m in her life? She has taught me so many great things. She has been such a godly example of what a woman of God should be like. I pray that one day I am half the woman is – truly.

But she ain’t perfect – far from it.

She was in ministry for a while and people talked about her like they knew her. 

“Your mom is so great!”

“It must be such a blessing to live with her”

Oh that used to piss me off.  I kept thinking: “they don’t know her….how can they tell me about her?”

Yeah….hey….I’m not perfect.

But it still hurt. Cause? I saw her at her worst. I saw her fighting. Arguing. Making fun of people. I saw her play board games like a viper.

NO for real.

Lemme tell you this woman? Sheesh. She was crazy competitive – I say was cause I refuse to play games with her now.

I am not kidding – it was that serious.

Anyways, it was a different side of her. That only I saw. I saw her struggle. I saw her at her worst.

And I hated her for it.

This is so freaking hard to write. You have to understand – she is such a beautiful woman – but I hated her. I hated the way she lived. I hated that she would allow certain things to happen to her and she didn’t fight back (not my place to say). I hated that she let abuse happen to me. I hated that she was always there for everyone else but that she never tried to understand me. I hated that she would push me away. I hated everything about her.

I was in my late thirties when she finally found out about my abuse. I thought she always knew. 

But I was so mad. I don’t even know when it changed actually. Probably around the time I found out about my PTSD…..but I finally just saw her.

I saw her like God saw her. 

Trying to survive. To follow Gods will. To be loving and patient. I saw her like God saw her.

She was showing love in the way she knew.

Sure she drives me crazy – she’s my mom. But ya know what?

I am learning how to love because of her. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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