I love my mother to pieces and I am so grateful God for putt her in my life – or should I say I’m in her life? She has taught me so many great things. She has been such a godly example of what a woman of God should be like. I pray that one day I am half the woman is – truly.
But she ain’t perfect – far from it.
She was in ministry for a while and people talked about her like they knew her.
“Your mom is so great!”
“It must be such a blessing to live with her”
Oh that used to piss me off. I kept thinking: “they don’t know her….how can they tell me about her?”
Yeah….hey….I’m not perfect.
But it still hurt. Cause? I saw her at her worst. I saw her fighting. Arguing. Making fun of people. I saw her play board games like a viper.
NO for real.
Lemme tell you this woman? Sheesh. She was crazy competitive – I say was cause I refuse to play games with her now.
I am not kidding – it was that serious.
Anyways, it was a different side of her. That only I saw. I saw her struggle. I saw her at her worst.
And I hated her for it.
This is so freaking hard to write. You have to understand – she is such a beautiful woman – but I hated her. I hated the way she lived. I hated that she would allow certain things to happen to her and she didn’t fight back (not my place to say). I hated that she let abuse happen to me. I hated that she was always there for everyone else but that she never tried to understand me. I hated that she would push me away. I hated everything about her.
I was in my late thirties when she finally found out about my abuse. I thought she always knew.
But I was so mad. I don’t even know when it changed actually. Probably around the time I found out about my PTSD…..but I finally just saw her.
I saw her like God saw her.
Trying to survive. To follow Gods will. To be loving and patient. I saw her like God saw her.
She was showing love in the way she knew.
Sure she drives me crazy – she’s my mom. But ya know what?
I am learning how to love because of her.