I remember the first time I tried to kill myself.
I was around 11 or 12 (my rebellious years) and I had a bad case of hiccups. I said to myself: “If I don’t stop the hiccups? I’m gonna stab myself.” And I picked up a knife and waited.
Seconds went by and it finally hit me: “holy crap what am I doing?”
Well I used slightly more colorful words but I have no idea what made me get to that point.
Was I a bit theatrical? Yes. Holy goodness yes. But as any mental health professional worth their salt would tell you? That’s a sign somethings not right.
I remember dropping the knife and walking to my bedroom and thinking “holy crap what was that?”
I still don’t know but many years and many suicide attempts later? I still have no clue. Could I make a statement about mental health and the church? Nah. Should I talk about how the Bible helped me?
It didn’t after a while I was just going through the movements pushing the bible away…..but you know what? God used a man named Ken Davis to save my life. In my last attempt on my life – I was sitting in my car ready to end it all and 2 little boys (who I’ve never seen before and have never seen since) decided to play next to my car.
Immediately I changed my mind, why? Not cause I thought of my kids but I thought “I better go in cause these kids shouldn’t see this”.
I walked in to the kitchen and told my husband what happened. He didnt want to hear it. I told him I needed to go to the hospital and he didnt want to hear it.
I know what youre thinking – but I think God used my husband mightily that day. I didnt go. Now, I’m not saying thats for everyone but that wasnt supposed to be for me.
Anyways, I was deep in my depression for several days when I decided to finally watched Ken Davis on Netflix. I thought “I need a laugh. Hopefully this works”. For those who don’t know – Ken Davis is a Christian comedian and motivational speaker.
I have no idea what that man said….but I remember these words:
I broke down in tears.
The job you need to worry about? Is listening to that still small voice.
Its not gonna come from the place you think. I honestly thought (before that) that God only spoke through pastors or the bible. But my friends I am testament that when God wants you to hear something? You will hear it. Over and over until you finally listen.
Are you listening?