Here comes the real

I remember the first time I tried to kill myself.

I was around 11 or 12 (my rebellious years) and I had a bad case of hiccups. I said to myself: “If I don’t stop the hiccups? I’m gonna stab myself.” And I picked up a knife and waited.

Seconds went by and it finally hit me: “holy crap what am I doing?”

Well I used slightly more colorful words but I have no idea what made me get to that point.

Was I a bit theatrical? Yes. Holy goodness yes. But as any mental health professional worth their salt would tell you? That’s a sign somethings not right. 

I remember dropping the knife and walking to my bedroom and thinking “holy crap what was that?”

I still don’t know but many years and many suicide attempts later? I still have no clue. Could I make a statement about mental health and the church? Nah. Should I talk about how the Bible helped me?

It didn’t after a while I was just going through the movements pushing the bible away…..but you know what? God used a man named Ken Davis to save my life. In my last attempt on my life – I was sitting in my car ready to end it all and 2 little boys (who I’ve never seen before and have never seen since) decided to play next to my car.

Immediately I changed my mind, why? Not cause I thought of my kids but I thought “I better go in cause these kids shouldn’t see this”.

I walked in to the kitchen and told my husband what happened. He didnt want to hear it. I told him I needed to go to the hospital and he didnt want to hear it.

I know what youre thinking – but I think God used my husband mightily that day. I didnt go. Now, I’m not saying thats for everyone but that wasnt supposed to be for me.

Anyways, I was deep in my depression for several days when I decided to finally watched Ken Davis on Netflix. I thought “I need a laugh. Hopefully this works”. For those who don’t know – Ken Davis is a Christian comedian and motivational speaker.

I have no idea what that man said….but I remember these words:

The Glory of God is man alive….so LIVE my friends. LIVE!

Ken Davis

I broke down in tears.

Oh my friends – when God wants to speak to you? He will in such a mighty way. Such a mighty way.

The job you need to worry about? Is listening to that still small voice.

Its not gonna come from the place you think. I honestly thought (before that) that God only spoke through pastors or the bible. But my friends I am testament that when God wants you to hear something? You will hear it. Over and over until you finally listen.

Are you listening?

11 Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; 12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire [e]a still small voice.

1 Kings 19:11-12 (emphasis mine)

9 Comments

  1. This story is hard to read but I was wondering that God allowed you to undergo the tumor on your ovary so that He could rescue you. Every experience is to draw us closer to the Lord. You struggled in the years that followed but God was sustaining you all along.

    Sent from – Denise’s iPhone

    >

    Liked by 1 person

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