thats messed up

I’m trying to make these in order of my life. but as yall will see? Its all messed up. My life i mean. Nah. thats not the full facts. You see I lost sight of God.

Yes, I was a christian all my life – but we arent perfect. Case in point? Me

Well I cant say for sure when it started – probably shortly after leaving that bad church. I just had a crisis of faith.

No. Not really. it was just apathy. Again….going through those feelings of “God cant love someone like me”

So …. I dont know how to write this for real folks.

It was just a simple thought of going through the movements. Just “ok doing this or this so I dont go to hell” thing.

I would go to church – go to the retreats – but that was it. I wasnt seeking out God. at all.

and that pushed me, beyond the brink.

I couldnt see beyond my own fog to see what God was trying to do in my life.

I tried throwing myself into what I was indoctrinated with – women are only good for being wives. So i tried finding a husband. Man I was so pathetic. flirting horribly with any male – lets move on cause it was pathetic.

I was treated horribly … i shake my head now thinking about what happened and how I let men treat me. I was so indoctrinated with that – that when I finally went to college? I went to bible school – cause of course a good Christian girl goes to bible school. I just…..more ridiculous moments.

Then, I started seeing these young girls getting into marriage so quickly (and divorcing quickly) because thats what the school was teaching. Women were only good for that.

SIDE NOTE: For years, I thought women couldnt be missionaries. In fact I think i was in my 30’s when I found out the truth.

Moving on, I started to get mad. Oh I was so mad. I knew God had more for women….for me. I guess their teaching was sticking? I dont know but I started seeing my worth. I had more to offer God.

Instead of stopping there – thats when I went into the deep end. I became a feminist. In fact, I started to push men away. Cause they were all gonna hurt me right?

Then I met this guy.

Cute isnt he?

He changed my thinking. I learned to trust him.

Even with the dark.

I’m not saying any part of our marriage has been easy. Y’all anyone who tells you marriage is easy? Is either delusional or living a lie.

Anyways, God has shown me so much just through our marriage alone. And I thank God every day for my husband.

What is to take away from this?

No matter how messed up your life is? God will be there. God will guide you. If you let Him. Open the door to let God into your life. Don’t only accept Him as your savior; let Him do what He needs to do in order to:

  • guide you
  • encourage you
  • strengthen you
  • use you
  • change you
  • bless you immensely

God wants to work in your life….in and through your mess. Just let Him.

32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 

Matt 6:32-33

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