yeah. Perfectionism …. being a perfectionist….what is the right answer? Hi folks, I’m Jess – writer extraordinaire (dude I totally had to look up the spelling of this). Sigh. Moving on. I’m a recovering perfectionist.
I hate how much so. It gets in the way of so much. Like this whole thyroid thing.
Did I mention to you how after my surgery my TSH levels dropped? Like majorly? Apparently my tumors were absorbing my thyroid meds. so when they took them out, they finally realized how deficient I was – and they don’t even know how long this has been an issue. I do but they don’t listen to people like ….. God forgive me. Moving on. I’m just grateful they found the issue. What problems will arise because of this deficit are being seen now.
I’m tired – can think straight – my body aches oddly – my bones hurt – my weight gain – and thats where we stop. I was previously a big girl. 342lbs was my top point. I lost the weight by God’s grace but i am slowly but surely gaining it back – and it is not only scaring me but its frustrating me.
My body aches are probably due to all the weight I’ve gained in a short period of time. I am terrified im gonna be big again and this body dysmorphia is kicking my butt. to the point – i developed an eating disorder. Man. I cant believe i admitted that out loud.
But I’m learning God uses all these things for his glory, right (see Job)? I had this picture perfect thought of what I would look like – what I should look like. I got there and started gaining weight. I felt so comfortable in my skin – I finally felt pretty. I finally felt like me. And the best part? I wasn’t in anymore pain. I felt no pain. and now this? How is this fair? Enter frustration.
But again. God’s glory.
Lord. I am so mad. This is not fair. Help me understand. I know you have a plan but God why? Please help me heal from this Lord. I’m tired of being in pain, for the record Lord this is so so so so not fair. But I know you have a plan and I trust you. I commit my life to you and ask not my will but yours be done.