Self medicating

OOOOOOooooo what a weird intro right? Wait? Is that the intro? Who knows. Anyways, I have not always had the best influences….which has led me to self medicate. Self medicating has helped me through so much but has caused so many …. many pains.

I used food…

I used people….

and I used pills.

I try to get my joy from other things. Looking for love, acceptance, peace….whatever …. from everywhere.

Gonna be real right now …. I still struggle some days. Who am I kidding? A lot of days; its hard when I want to get that endorphin rush from the extra piece of chocolate or cheese or whatever my food addicted brain thinks of at that moment. I used to self medicate with pills too – always using the excuse of my chronic pain.

I do have chronic pain – but there are other ways to deal with those pains. Some that I have recently have found and have had success in.

My point? I struggle. Sometimes I look at pills or piece of food and I literally go through shakes people. My body is shaking with the dark.

I hate that I said that.

But in those moments? Thats when I pull out my box…my list….my good stuff. (more to come)

Right now I am having a moment where all i want to do is scream….instead of turning to food or pills. I am sitting here writing, listening to my calming list of music (again, more to come). Hoping and praying that God will get me through this dark moment.

Cause thats what they are right? Just moments. They are not long lasting. Its just a moment – the enemy wants us to get overwhelmed. He wants us to think God cant or wont handle this situation for us. But my friends please know this truth – God is there with us. Reaching out to hold us and here we are the cranky toddler pushing Him away.

Friends. Please do as I am learning to do – reach out to Him. Thats why He’s there. To help. To save.

²⁹ So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw ^[e]that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!”

³¹ And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” ³² And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

Matthew 14:29-32