I get angry a lot. Its my weakness. Driving, arguments, injustice….whatever offense? Here comes the anger. Last night my husband just plain out said: what is your deal? Yeah shining moment. God forgive me.
Some sort of $300/hr doctor would tell you that it leads to my past trauma….so on and so on. While I would agree – I mean I would be shushed and not be allowed to be me. But heres a thought for you: do I have a handle in that too?
Bear with me a moment – i need to write this out. I was constantly belittled and thought that my opinion didn’t matter – so i thought the same about myself. I thought other people mattered more than me; that God called me to be a literal slave. I was constantly called stupid, fat and ugly. I witnessed so much in my life – does that really………..change me? Was this how I was always to be (angry) or did that sin (the abuse) cause me to view the world differently?
Is a bad temper truly hereditary?
People talk about generational curses. I don’t necessarily believe that – i do believe bad things happen to each of us (unfortunately) and we have a choice in how we deal with it.
Or do we? I mean do I?
I mean you are who you turn to right?
I have memeories that i dont want – nor would I wish these on my worst enemy…..wait…no. writing this out? I can see now, its how i respond.
While not feeling seen….memories of those things… triggers me to get angry – its how I deal with that anger right? Do I bottle it up? or give it to God? Cause thats what He wants. God never meant for me to go through this crap – sin caused that NOT God.
But I will ….. I WILL refuse to continue that narrative in my life.
I will praise God through it all.
I wont bottle it up.
I will be open and honest how I feel no matter what.
I will teach my children to be better
I will show them how to reach out to God during their hards times
I will push for a better life.
Even if I do get angry.
Cause its just an emotion right? I mean even Jesus got angry (See Matt 21). Its what we do in that anger – its how we handle it.
So heres me. Fighting for my relationships. Fighting to show the world that God can do amazing things – if you let Him.