Here comes the anger

I get angry a lot. Its my weakness. Driving, arguments, injustice….whatever offense? Here comes the anger. Last night my husband just plain out said: what is your deal? Yeah shining moment. God forgive me.

Some sort of $300/hr doctor would tell you that it leads to my past trauma….so on and so on. While I would agree – I mean I would be shushed and not be allowed to be me. But heres a thought for you: do I have a handle in that too?

Bear with me a moment – i need to write this out. I was constantly belittled and thought that my opinion didn’t matter – so i thought the same about myself. I thought other people mattered more than me; that God called me to be a literal slave. I was constantly called stupid, fat and ugly. I witnessed so much in my life – does that really………..change me? Was this how I was always to be (angry) or did that sin (the abuse) cause me to view the world differently?

Is a bad temper truly hereditary?

People talk about generational curses. I don’t necessarily believe that – i do believe bad things happen to each of us (unfortunately) and we have a choice in how we deal with it.

Or do we? I mean do I?

I mean you are who you turn to right?

I have memeories that i dont want – nor would I wish these on my worst enemy…..wait…no. writing this out? I can see now, its how i respond.

While not feeling seen….memories of those things… triggers me to get angry – its how I deal with that anger right? Do I bottle it up? or give it to God? Cause thats what He wants. God never meant for me to go through this crap – sin caused that NOT God.

But I will ….. I WILL refuse to continue that narrative in my life.

I will praise God through it all.

I wont bottle it up.

I will be open and honest how I feel no matter what.

I will teach my children to be better

I will show them how to reach out to God during their hards times

I will push for a better life.

Even if I do get angry.

Cause its just an emotion right? I mean even Jesus got angry (See Matt 21). Its what we do in that anger – its how we handle it.

So heres me. Fighting for my relationships. Fighting to show the world that God can do amazing things – if you let Him.

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

james 4:7-10

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