I’m tired of this

so heres what happening – just so you know why I’m tired of this. My grandma is dying. This woman was very influential in my life. She taught me to cook. She taught me to sew. She was one of the few people who accepted me for who I was. The odd duck. My thyroid issue is finally getting better – thank God. But i’m not 100% yet. I have yet another autoimmune disorder arising. I’ve had it all my life – but i am finally putting my foot down and getting it checked out. Why? Cause I literally sprained my thumb by picking up a plate. What is affecting me? Not sure. Possibly rheumatoid arthritis, possibly EDS .. an EDS? I dont know the correct english. Its possibly lupus, possibly fibromyalgia, possibly Lyme disease. I have an appointment tentatively in May (could get an earlier appt) to start testing.

I finally realized who sexually abused me as a child. Talked to my mom about it – cant put my dad through that – she said it made sense (given who the person was). I am still reeling from the fact my grandma and then add just that last piece alone?

I am so beyond belief tired of this.

Lord I feel like i am being beaten up.

I dont know why I have to go through this Lord. I hate being in pain. I hate feeling overwhelmed. I hate feeling out of control.

I hate this doubt i am feeling. I hate not knowing what is happening. I hate not understanding.

But I know. I know you are right there with me. I know you will not leave me. I ask for strength. I ask for comfort. Lord help. I praise you – not because I am suffering. But because I know. I know you will get me through.

You know I believe. Help my unbelief.

Jesus said to him, “If you can believe,[fn] all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

mark 9: 23 – 24

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