I’m flailing

i’m a mess y’all …. i’m flailing. I am grasping at straws and I cant anymore.

My body aches.

I am so weak i dont even trust myself driving.

My brain is so foggy – sometimes i cant even hold a conversation.

My depression is right on the edge of my brain trying to bust the door down and the hinges are barely holding it together.

I am trying to go low carb (as per Dysautonomia website suggestions) but my stomach hurts so much sometimes all that will help calm it is bread.

Y’all i even forgot what i was gonna write next. i am a mess. and you know what i am learning?

I need to stop doing it all myself.

yea ma….i did just say that. And FYI my mom reads my blog regularly so i am really talking to her.

But …. crap. what was i saying? as you can tell im having a day.

Oh yeah. i’m learning its okay to disappoint people. im learning to take care of myself and most importantly? I am learning to trust God.

Thats really and truly the hardest part. Waiting on and trusting in God. I think i already said this before but its hitting me hard today. I am about to tell my kids we cant go out today cause i cant handle it. I wanted to do a bunch of things for them but i just … shouldnt. Especially being this weak?

I hate disappointing them.

I feel like a failure of a mom letting them play video games or watching TV all day – but i just cant. I hate this spoonie life.

Lord. help. Please.