Hi my name is Jessica and I have a problem. A lot of problems but a big one is I like control. No really. It’s like a huge thing with me. I need to control my life – every aspect.
I have recently realized it’s a part of the trauma I have gone through but it’s annoying. I hate it. Cause when I can’t control a situation? I get mad.
I get panicky.
I get mad but I get more panicky … panicy… no. Apple is telling me it’s the first – so you know.
Recently we’ve had some instances where I “lost” control of my life. Wait. Not like that. I put control in quotes to emphasize the fact that I didn’t.
I had a situation where I couldn’t control it I mean. Ah man. What I could do if I could change it.
I got mad.
I got panicky.
I freaked out completely.
I’m sitting here writing still dealing with my emotions. So think of this as a just write prompt.
Things seem to happen in bulk with me.
My daughter needing 2 colonoscopies within 2 months. Me getting Covid. The heart problems that arose from that. I’m still dealing with the breathing issues. The tumors. The cancer scare.
It’s like punch after punch. I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore. Lord Jesus help me please.
I have no idea why I have gone through most of my …. Life. It’s been a sucky life. Really freaking hard. And I am tired.
But ya know what as I write this? I see God at work. Yea life is difficult and going through ..: my life has wearied me.
Wow. Really Jess? “Wearied”? yeah going with it.
God has gotten me through so much. But that’s the key I guess right? He’s always gotten me through it right?
Keeping the focus on Him, that’s where it counts. I mean the last couple of weeks have been hard with my crippling anxiety.
But every time I focus on God? I have been truly blessed by it. So here we go. Focusing on you Lord.
I give my “control” to you Lord. Thank you for loving me.