I like control

Hi my name is Jessica and I have a problem. A lot of problems but a big one is I like control. No really. It’s like a huge thing with me. I need to control my life – every aspect.

I have recently realized it’s a part of the trauma I have gone through but it’s annoying. I hate it. Cause when I can’t control a situation? I get mad.

No.

I get panicky.

I get mad but I get more panicky … panicy… no. Apple is telling me it’s the first – so you know.

Recently we’ve had some instances where I “lost” control of my life. Wait. Not like that. I put control in quotes to emphasize the fact that I didn’t.

Anyways

I had a situation where I couldn’t control it I mean. Ah man. What I could do if I could change it.

I got mad.

I got panicky.

I freaked out completely.

I’m sitting here writing still dealing with my emotions. So think of this as a just write prompt.

Things seem to happen in bulk with me.

My daughter needing 2 colonoscopies within 2 months. Me getting Covid. The heart problems that arose from that. I’m still dealing with the breathing issues. The tumors. The cancer scare.

Sigh.

I’m tired.

It’s like punch after punch. I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore. Lord Jesus help me please.

I have no idea why I have gone through most of my …. Life. It’s been a sucky life. Really freaking hard. And I am tired.

But ya know what as I write this? I see God at work. Yea life is difficult and going through ..: my life has wearied me.

Wow. Really Jess? “Wearied”? yeah going with it.

God has gotten me through so much. But that’s the key I guess right? He’s always gotten me through it right?

Okay. Okay.

Keeping the focus on Him, that’s where it counts. I mean the last couple of weeks have been hard with my crippling anxiety.

But every time I focus on God? I have been truly blessed by it. So here we go. Focusing on you Lord.

I give my “control” to you Lord. Thank you for loving me.

In God (I will praise His word),

In God I have put my trust;

I will not fear.

What can flesh do to me?

Psalms 56:4