I like control

Hi my name is Jessica and I have a problem. A lot of problems but a big one is I like control. No really. It’s like a huge thing with me. I need to control my life – every aspect.

I have recently realized it’s a part of the trauma I have gone through but it’s annoying. I hate it. Cause when I can’t control a situation? I get mad.


I get panicky.

I get mad but I get more panicky … panicy… no. Apple is telling me it’s the first – so you know.

Recently we’ve had some instances where I “lost” control of my life. Wait. Not like that. I put control in quotes to emphasize the fact that I didn’t.


I had a situation where I couldn’t control it I mean. Ah man. What I could do if I could change it.

I got mad.

I got panicky.

I freaked out completely.

I’m sitting here writing still dealing with my emotions. So think of this as a just write prompt.

Things seem to happen in bulk with me.

My daughter needing 2 colonoscopies within 2 months. Me getting Covid. The heart problems that arose from that. I’m still dealing with the breathing issues. The tumors. The cancer scare.


I’m tired.

It’s like punch after punch. I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore. Lord Jesus help me please.

I have no idea why I have gone through most of my …. Life. It’s been a sucky life. Really freaking hard. And I am tired.

But ya know what as I write this? I see God at work. Yea life is difficult and going through ..: my life has wearied me.

Wow. Really Jess? “Wearied”? yeah going with it.

God has gotten me through so much. But that’s the key I guess right? He’s always gotten me through it right?

Okay. Okay.

Keeping the focus on Him, that’s where it counts. I mean the last couple of weeks have been hard with my crippling anxiety.

But every time I focus on God? I have been truly blessed by it. So here we go. Focusing on you Lord.

I give my “control” to you Lord. Thank you for loving me.

In God (I will praise His word),

In God I have put my trust;

I will not fear.

What can flesh do to me?

Psalms 56:4

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s