I am loud

Or at least I used to be.

Maybe.

I’m not sure. 

Let’s not ask my husband or kids.

Growing up I was always told I was loud. “Why are you being loud JESSICA!?”

Now? I mumble and speak quietly. Mostly. Again … let’s not ask my husband or kids about that.

Moving on.

That shaped me is what I’m trying to get at. Boy did it shape me. 

“You’ll never find a husband to love you”

“You’ll never have friends”

Boy did that shape me.

I hid from people for a while then at that ripe old age of 12? I started throwing myself to boys.

Thank God none ever held on long enough to do any damage.

That was until I was 14/15. His name was Josh. His smile was out of this world. I’ll never forget his face. 

I would wear provocative clothes. Flirt endlessly. Ya know the drill – now I know what you’re thinking. But thats a hard no Thank God.

I was hanging out w Josh when I met his friend James. I’ll never forget him. He was a football player. He was loud, obnoxious, mean but I flirted w him constantly trying to make Josh jealous – I don’t know why.

One day? James took advantage. I don’t want to concentrate on him or his act but he hurt me.

After that? I knew I was never gonna love anyone…or really no one was gonna love me. So therefore? I knew I was never let anyone get so close. 

He stole my childhood – ok I wasn’t really a child. But close enough. I hated him. With a deep seated hate. But he was another guy in a long line of guys who treated me badly.

We got the police involved – after I almost didn’t tell my parents. In fact I planned on not telling them. It was just a joke right? Nothing right? I said something in passing to my mom – thank you sweet Lord that she pursued her questions and found the truth. 

Thank you Lord.

Then school became unbearable. I was bullied in school before this but after? Oh my word.

“She’s such a liar”

“She asked for it”

“Slut”

Moving on this is giving me an anxiety attack. After years of hating this kid, around the time I finally started getting serious about God. I started to feel bad for this guy. And I started praying for him. 

He forever changed my life but I pray that one day? He finds the one who will forever change his life for the good.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you

Matthew 5:43-44