Or at least I used to be.
I’m not sure.
Let’s not ask my husband or kids.
Growing up I was always told I was loud. “Why are you being loud JESSICA!?”
Now? I mumble and speak quietly. Mostly. Again … let’s not ask my husband or kids about that.
That shaped me is what I’m trying to get at. Boy did it shape me.
“You’ll never find a husband to love you”
“You’ll never have friends”
Boy did that shape me.
I hid from people for a while then at that ripe old age of 12? I started throwing myself to boys.
Thank God none ever held on long enough to do any damage.
That was until I was 14/15. His name was Josh. His smile was out of this world. I’ll never forget his face.
I would wear provocative clothes. Flirt endlessly. Ya know the drill – now I know what you’re thinking. But thats a hard no Thank God.
I was hanging out w Josh when I met his friend James. I’ll never forget him. He was a football player. He was loud, obnoxious, mean but I flirted w him constantly trying to make Josh jealous – I don’t know why.
One day? James took advantage. I don’t want to concentrate on him or his act but he hurt me.
After that? I knew I was never gonna love anyone…or really no one was gonna love me. So therefore? I knew I was never let anyone get so close.
He stole my childhood – ok I wasn’t really a child. But close enough. I hated him. With a deep seated hate. But he was another guy in a long line of guys who treated me badly.
We got the police involved – after I almost didn’t tell my parents. In fact I planned on not telling them. It was just a joke right? Nothing right? I said something in passing to my mom – thank you sweet Lord that she pursued her questions and found the truth.
Thank you Lord.
Then school became unbearable. I was bullied in school before this but after? Oh my word.
“She’s such a liar”
“She asked for it”
Moving on this is giving me an anxiety attack. After years of hating this kid, around the time I finally started getting serious about God. I started to feel bad for this guy. And I started praying for him.
He forever changed my life but I pray that one day? He finds the one who will forever change his life for the good.