No memory

As an adult? Yeah my memory sucks majorly yall.

Man I miss my brain.

Probably because of the abuse, but I don’t remember most of my childhood. I don’t remember the good, I get flashes here and there but I don’t remember much. I remember the bad, I remember constantly being afraid – funny how the mind works y’all. I remember the first time I was called fat, ugly and stupid. All in one sentence.

I was 9. I remember what I was wearing, what I was doing when it came out of no where, and who was there. It still hurts. I wish I could say that was the only time. I wish I could say things got better.

My life has been hard – I was asked once to give my testimony. “But keep it light”

No part of my testimony is light. Its a whole bunch of dark.

If you’re here? Welcome – but you have been warned. These devotionals and stories are from my perspective. Most of these will be written once a week, through tears and panic attacks (remember I have ptsd). But I need to share what has happened to me – cause I know I am not the only person to go through this. I do not condone the behavior of those who did these things to me – nor do I want to uplift. So there will be a lot of nameless people here.

Moving on.

I was abused as a child which shaped my view of God. There were many abusers who made me see God differently. As cold hateful, vengeful, just plain mean.

They made me think God didn’t love me. That I deserved every single thing that I went through. So when I went through trial after trial after trial? For a long while I thought it was cause God hated me. It was my fault.

Then? I was 37, during a major arthritis flare up (so bad I could barely move or breathe), when I finally listened to the voice of God.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

John 3:16
New King James Version

Not very shocking to a seasoned christian right? Well I was listening to a Pastor talking about this fact: “God loves you so much He gave His son to die for us to go to heaven. Think about that. God loves you more than His own son.“

Yall…that hit me like a ton of bricks. God loves me so much He gave a piece of Himself for someone like me. Why?

Not gonna lie – I’m still trying to figure that out.

But i know its true (don’t worry you’ll see why). Jesus came here just for someone like me….and like you.

If that ain’t true love? I don’t know what is.